How Learning To Observe Changed Me.

As my quarter-life crisis catches up with me, I can’t help but remember that my fondest memories of life have only one thing in common. How present I felt in those moments. No rush to finish a task, nowhere to be, just living in the moment without judging ‘What’s this about again?’ ‘Why are we doing this again?’ ‘Am I maximizing on my time and effort while doing this?’. Utter and pure silence. Oh! the bliss of the comforting inner silence.

A few experiences (traumatic ones), friends, mentors, music, art, and books have nudged me into a place in life where I have learned how to observe. How to observe my inner world. The signals and messages from this inner world have become a beacon for how to conduct myself in my outer world. It’s not that I have become emotionally erratic and respond to all my whims and fantasies when trying to do difficult stuff, I have developed an internal motivation system to pursue or not pursue things, opportunities, and people in life. I can with somewhat confidence say that these days, I do difficult things without being miserable. That feels like progress to me :)

From being numb all the time to being a big feeler!

I remember a few years ago, if anyone would ask me ‘How are you feeling?’ I’d always respond with a coy smile and say ‘I am doing well, how are you?’ without missing a beat. Without checking in with myself, am I hungry? cold? bloated? hurt? I used to feel nothing and I felt that that numbness was feeling good. The absence of feeling terrible was feeling good. And oh how wrong I was 🙂

Dr, Gabor Maté in his book The Myth of Normal, talks about authenticity and attachment, about how one must compromise on being authentic to preserve its attachments. To follow a social code of conduct (which is usually defined by what that social group considers ‘normal’) one has to compromise on authenticity. The book very boldly and aggressively presents its case that - chronically compromised authenticity makes an individual chronically sick. It kills you.

“Disease is a process, one that can’t be extricated from our personal histories and the context and culture in which we live.” — Dr. Maté

I couldn’t agree more. Our sociocultural contexts impact our health way more than what we previously believed. It affects how we attach ourselves and how we express our authenticities.

So it is important how to know what you are feeling, why are you feeling that way, what is influencing you, and that would guide you in deciding what to do about this feeling.

Learning to know what you are feeling

To know something is to bring something to your awareness, that is why when we try to find something it's called doing re-SEARCH. While searching, you seek, and you become aware of it. Although this is going to sound silly but the first thing one must do is - one should want to know how they are feeling.

Next comes, realizing that if you will look for something you will find it, so don't look for sorrow or joy or anger. Just feel your feelings. Try not to rationalize or think about it. It'll feel terrible in the beginning, it'll be confusing, and overwhelming. I on occasion have had meltdowns and panic attacks (for months and months) as I have tried to do this, but persevere through that phase. It feels like there is liberation on the other side.

There is a strange power in going through these motions. Going through your grief and accepting them as a part of your story, realizing that they aren't your entire story, they are just a part of it. With this realization and self-acceptance, I noticed I was more congruent with myself, more in touch with myself, happier, healthier, and more excited about life. This is what I mean by observing my inner world.

From knowing what you feel to developing self-awareness

After learning to be aware of your feelings for a long time, you being to identify patterns about yourself. You know you get depressed when your periods are about to come in, that a K-drama will make you cry if you are tired that day, that are generally anxious about dating and seek assurance, that you become a super reliable friend and a colleague when you see someone genuinely needs your help, you get excited about little wins in your day, you cherish every waking moment you spend with your parents, you discover yourself.

Self-awareness is a spot from where the possibilities are endless, you can choose and work on your insecurities and hang-ups or you can lean into the good times and express gratitude. Life becomes an event that is happening 'through you' instead of 'to you'.